Today's random little blurb that has managed to surface itself from the bubbling muck of my brain's swamp-filled crevices - a short on my epic journey #2: to pimp my decks. I've always had this obsession about pimping my storm deck. Why? I don't even know why. The concept of the archetype is just so god damn intriguing like looking down a low-cut shirt. Anyways, my idea of pimp started way back when with TES (or THE EPIC STORM - what a fucking original deck name, Bryant Cook. You're such a fucking lucksack I hope you're not reading this) and I remember getting ripped off by this guy at my card store with plugs so wide that I could put my dick through em. A whole quarter-inch diameter. He sold me a playset of MINT (you can actually smell the leaves off these babies) Japanese Mercadian Masques Brainstorms. Hawt shit. BUT THAT'S NOT ALL. For a ridiculous price of *undisclosed*, he sold me a playset of MINT Japanese Time-shifted Gemstone Mines! HOLY FUCK! Back then, that's what I considered amazing pimpness. I was ONE step closer to achieving maximum Asian-ing (azn-ing? asian-ed? a's in ning?) my storm deck. Well, a week or two after that happened Wizards of the Coast R&D decided that Brainstorm was a broke ass card in Vintage and restricted the bitch pointing fingers at her head with yellow balls spinning around, meaning the price immediately went from 10 bucks a Brainstorm to 1 buck a Brainstorm. Well, three years after that happened, I don't even fucking play Gemstone Mines in my deck.
I'm going after the big fish.
Vintage and Legacy are the two prime candidates of the PIMP SLAP. Because of the lasting value of cards and that rarity of them, players are more willing to shell premium dollar to make sure they blind their opponents while playing a game of magical cards. Some cards, however, are immune to the pimp slap because the PIMP SLAP only goes as far back as Urza's Legacy (or for you non-nerd-literate folk, circa 1999). These cards are the money cards, because they are hard to find, expensive, and most of all, immune to the PIMP SLAP. They're all about the BB, the BLACK BORDER. I'm not talking about the Mississippi, I'm talking about the night-colored 10-point stroke that surrounds your magical card. You see, when a card is WHITE BORDERED, it has no protection, it's like it's naked. Disgusting and uncouth. Put on some clothes man, you're gonna give the women nightmares.
With that said, there are various levels of the BIG BLACK PIMPING:
Regular PIMP SLAP
Alright dude! It's coo, it's coo. Yo PIMP HAND is solid, I'll give you that. But guess what, it's a mothafuckin DREDGE deck. You know what that means? That means I could probably find these cards at WAL-MART. They're fucking everywhere. A real pimp knows that the TRUE GEMS are in the aged wine. Almost cool with those City of Brasses, but nice try.
AZNING PIMP SLAP
This is the LEVEL TWO PIMP SLAP A.K.A. CHING-CHONG-CHOOING. From the motherfuckin far EAST, these cards are hard as FUCK to come by. It takes some serious time and dedication to track these bitches down and shove them into your plastic SLEEVES. When you adorn your most favorite cards in a cryptic language that you can't even read, you're on your way to PIMPDOM.
MEGA PIMP SLAP
OH SHIT HOLD ON! What we got here? CHING-CHONG-CHOOAAAAHHH!! I'M BLIND! This is the MEGA PIMP SLAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When you mix the far EAST with BLING, you will destroy minds. Not only can your opponents NOT read your cards, they get shined in the face when they try to read them. Props mothafucka. Too bad your farmer boys could use some pimpin.
BIG BLACK PIMPING
It might entertain you, or it might scare you, to know that this collection of cards is probably worth more than your car. We have here, foil Japanese fetchlands, signed Guru basic lands, signed Beta dual lands, the complete Beta Power 9, several custom-altered and signed cards (including a full playset of Force of Wills by Terese Nielsen herself), signed and altered playset of Mana Drains, and Japanese foils everywhere else. In Buddhism, they would call this enlightenment. In Magic the Gathering, we call it BIG BLACK PIMPING.
So, Chris, where are you on the scale of the PIMP? In other words, how STRONG is your PIMP HAND? My PIMP HAND is mediocre. I am trying to AZN out my storm deck, and I am nearing completion. All I have left to purchase is a playset of Japanese Lion's Eye Diamonds and I'll be finished. Two years of scrounging around has gotten me all of this, and I am extremely proud of my deck. I'll show it to you guys when I complete the bitch.
If you want to watch a good anime this season, watch So Ra no Wo To. I promise you won't be disappointed even though you have no reason to believe me since I predicted Rideback was going to be good.
No comments:
Post a Comment