stress test (and self realizations)

Over the past month or so, I've come to realize the consequences that result from the "cause and effect" phrase, so famously coined by the Merovingian. On one hand, there is the me who wants to be funny and spontaneous, and on the other hand there is the annoying and offensive side of the exact same coin. At what point do I cross the line? Or in another case, I have a partner for an assignment that I feel is extremely under-performing and unable to take constructive criticism. I beat around the bush, hinting at that fact and eventually force my opinions through. At what point do I cross that line of courtesy? How about this very blog? The things I write on here are oftentimes insensitive and disrespectful. At what point does my free speech turn into feedback?

I feel like I have a unique personality type. I take things seriously and not so seriously at the same time, if that even makes any sense. I still go through the motions that life requires of me to become a successful being, but I do so in this third-person perspective that allows me to realize that in the grand scheme of things the little things we do actually don't matter. Sometimes, I forget about my own philosophies and I let these "little things" get to me. But I still can't help but to ponder and question myself: should I express myself and take the heat, or should I keep my thoughts inwards and suppress my urges.

I find the latter choice to be counter-productive to my very being. I have always tried to express myself, though tailored and edited, and have been supported in most cases. Sometimes I don't tailor correctly, or I come off the wrong way, and end up hurting someone else, and in return hurting myself. It's a fine line to walk. I bring up this topic because there have been, coincidentally, several occurrences that have caused me to question myself, my motives, and my thought processes. 

I think every artist runs into this identity crisis. For me, this is not the first time. It's this sort of nagging, depressing feeling. Or as Bilbo would say, "like butter scraped over too much bread." It's this constant subconscious worry and self-doubt. In the end, I always find my resolve, but it always takes a little while. The truth is that people, in general, love being judgmental. Even the most open-minded person will still inwardly deem their own beliefs as the most righteous; they're just excellent at acting discreet about it. It is impossible to write something or say something, and not be offensive in some way or some manner, in context or out of context. If I said, "I love America", god knows how many people I'd be offending. Or even this previous sentence - not capitalizing "god" might offend Judeo-Christian believers. 

So then what was the point of this whole post if you're just going to continue slandering the fucks that squander expression and take life too seriously? Nothing. Just some self-reassurance that I was born to piss half of you off and have the other half laugh about it.

I'm supposed to promise here that I'll be writing in my blog more, but that'd just be lying lol. More stuff on Magic philosophy and flavor, notes on my industry, and me raving about how not awesome my life is in posts to come. Good fucking night.