the art of masturbation (i win at the mario party soda shaking game)

Everyone does it. Feel no shame nor queasiness while we talk about it. In fact, relish and bask in appreciation of that fact that we even have such a primitive, yet infinitely enjoyable hobby that requires so little work and no money to perform. By dictionary definition, masturbation is the stimulation of one's genitals for sexual pleasure. By my definition, masturbation is so much more than just rubbing your cock head or clit, it's a trance and an indulgence, as you transcend past your self and into a whole different universe of pleasure. You find out your little kinks, you memorize your hotspots, you begin to understand yourself even more than you already do. You know how you like it, and no one in the world will ever be able to replicate what you can do to yourself. In all honesty, my left hand is probably the best sex partner I've ever had. My buddy here knows when to slow down and when to speed up, when to tease and how far to push the limit. I say this because sometimes somebody else is giving you a handjob, and while it feels good it's just "not quite there" cause they don't know YOU like YOU know YOU, and are jacking off your shaft too rigorously or not giving enough attention to the head or squeezing too tightly. You can moan or laugh or whatever to try and pretend like you're enjoying it, but I know in your mind you just want to tell that person: "fuck YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!". Politness often gets the best of us. In the end, masturbation is the ultimate form of self-gratification. Have mastery over your cock and have mastery over your own happiness.

THE FOUR ESSENTIAL GROUND RULES FOR SUCCESSFUL MASTURBATION

Stealth

Obviously the first thing you learn as soon as you go through your first experience masturbating. "This shit is dangerously good...maybe I shouldn't let other people see me while I do this." Maybe your face gets contorted, maybe you make weird groaning sounds, or maybe you turn a different shade of red, all of it contributes to factors that will give away the fact that you have your hands down your pants thinking about the girl that sits next to you in class. Masturbation may not cost money, but it's not free. Finding opportunities to jack off can be hard sometimes, so you have to make best of all the time you have. This usually isn't a problem if you're living alone, but if you're still at home, wait till mom goes to the supermarket or when dad goes to work. Late at night works well too, when everyone is asleep and you have plenty of time to tease your cock/clit for maximum pleasure. Finally, if you live in a crowded house or something, you're probably going to have to use the bathroom trick. Turn on your poop-fan or something to hide the fapping sound or just do it while you're showering. Either works fine. I have never been caught, so I wouldn't know the ridiculously awkward feeling between the intruder and yourself, but I can imagine that it won't be such a great one. Yea, they don't sell vanish powder IRL, so don't get caught!

Visual Aid

Thinking about people you know or have seen can only get you so far sometimes, and you might find that it just isn't as fun anymore. That's why there are so many porn sites, these people film themselves doing naughty shit JUST FOR YOU! There are plenty of places to find it for free (or a relatively low price anyways). Kinky shit also helps you get harder faster and finish faster too if you're in a hurry.Take advantage of this and make your masturbation much, much more enjoyable.

Cleaning Up

Okay so I honestly can't speak for ladies. I know you get all slobbery and shit sometimes, but I don't know how bad it is. For us guys, however, it obviously needs to go somewhere. Tissues are usually an easy fix for this, but sometimes you overdo it and it flies a little further than expected. It's fine, just make sure you wipe it off quickly before it dries up into some crusty shit. If you're feeling lazy, just jack off in the shower and let it go everywhere. Sometimes it can stick to shower tile, so make sure you rinse thoroughly. If it gets on your clothes, you should probably change them unless it's your pajamas or something.

Don't Tease Too Long

Once again I don't believe this applies to women. Women can keep going on and on like energizer bunnies cause they have no cooldown on orgasms. Lucky. Anyways, when guys tease their cocks too long they start to get blue balls. It's cool to take your time and enjoy it as much as possible, but just remember not to overdo it. The discomfort sometimes just ruins the whole experience. Also, sometimes you might get carried away and take waaaay too long...long enough for mom to come home from the supermarket. Keep that in mind.

Good shit.

Also, check out this sign I saw in the AI bathroom. I got a lawl or two out of it while I was pissing so I shook and accidentally sprayed piss on the seat. Sorry ladies.

lolwut

Agghhh. I feel so lethargic all the time. I should really start doing my homework earlier in the week. A few things coming up -- blogs for "The Sky Crawlers" and "5 Centimeters Per Second" this week. Happy March and happy masturbating.