the possibility of cupid (shooting me again)

I haven't had the best series of relationships. A lot of them have been whatever things, few of them very serious, and either way they never last very long. The feeling of affection, to me, has become this sort of double-sided, sharp object. While I still have this notion of wanting, I become easily upset thinking about all the things that could possibly go wrong. This unhealthy cycle has caused me to avoid diving into relationships altogether for fear of an even sadder fate. It might be naive of me, or even cowardly, but my lack of success has very seriously sundered my hopes. My experiences have left me bitter and spiteful, always cynical towards all possibility of a happy ending. It's really sad, cause I used to remember loving that warm, fuzzy feeling in my chest, and my pounding heart, throbbing with uncontainable joy. It gave me unnaturally powerful energy and a great sense of life. I really miss it.

My family and I visit a fortune teller annually. This isn't your tarot-card bullshitting fortune teller, this is based off Yee Jing (don't know the english translation), which basically determines a loose guidline of your life based off of your birthdate. Of course I was skeptical of it, anyone would be, till he gave me a rundown of my past and was accurate beyond belief. My jaw literally dropped. He had never met me before, but everything he said was spot on, everything from specific past events of my life all the way to my emotional ups and downs through the different stages of my life. One of the most important things he said to me is that I would meet a very important woman in my life, and very soon. This person would not only become my girlfriend, but my very important consultant, my most prized buddy, eventually my business partner, and ultimately my wife. When I heard this, my brain immediately shot in all sorts of directions. Had I already met this person? When would I actually find out? Part of me was excited, the other fearful. 

It's been a year since I've last seen him. My parents had gone a few months ago to get their fortunes told, but I didn't go. While they were there, he casually asked about me: "How are Chris and his girlfriend doing?" Well, of course my parents told them that I didn't have one. He seemed appalled: "What? That's ridiculous, he'll find one very soon then!" When I heard the news, I had a crooked smile on my face. I went through a pretty bitter ordeal about a year ago, for those of you who know, and I hate to keep harping on my sob story, but ever since then I've really lost a lot of confidence in myself. The fortune teller said that this person I would meet would definitely be from either school or work, because we would be able to aid each other in our field and eventually start our own business. The prospect is grand and very encouraging, except for the fact that there were no girls in my line of sight that I had even the slightest want to become my girlfriend, let alone my wife. That was, till this past week.

It's an odd, but comforting feeling, when your eyes meet for the first time. It's almost like you want to smile and engage in the same conversation you've been having for years, except you've never met this person before. It's almost like you can't wait and just want to skip all of the introductions because you already know this person. It's almost like you're so sure of yourself and this person, that all ensuing hardships will be conquered with a crashing tide. I had this feeling in this past week, though I won't go into much more detail for fear that this person might be reading this very post. What I want to say is that I think I've fallen into the trap again. Cupid wound his arrow, and despite my seasoned experience at dodging, I sat there, dumbfounded, and let the beam of love pierce me right through the center of the chest. As soon as the day had ended, I came home and sat and pondered. Could this be the person? Could she really be the one? The idea stirred up a whirlwind of hope.

I have to make her mine.

That is all.