truisms of the asian heritage (why i'll never be able to marry a black woman)

"Black people are so black. It's gross."

That's the first thing my aunt said to me when she first arrived the United States. Those who are not Asian: face it, you'll never understand that putting soy sauce in your rice is a equivalent to slapping our way of food in the face. Just as my aunt doesn't understand black people, there may be several things you don't understand about Asians. And to those who are Asian: I'm sorry for your past, your present, and your future. May Buddah smile on your soul.

The Asian heritage is both bane and blessing. Naturally, we are gifted with dark, shiny hair, impeccable math skills, smooth skin, a large array of delicious foods, and a greater resistance to damage from sun exposure. Unfortunately, we are also born with super anal parents, short height, small penises, small breasts, flat asses, chinky eyes, and the inability to pilot a car into a parking spot. You might say that we're physically "modest", but in a day and age where Pamela Anderson and Mandingo exist, being short in every department is actually a disadvantage. 

Below, I'm going to go over a few facts about the Asian heritage that you may or may not be aware of. If you are not Asian, pay special attention, because these facts may include you!

1) Asian guys hate white guys with yellow fever.

Look, before you start getting all defensive, you have to understand how ridiculously difficult it is for an Asian guy to get a white girlfriend. Once you see it from that perspective, it all becomes clear that white guys are jacking all of the girls. One of the worst parts is that they're usually UGLY white guys. What the fuck is up with that? I mean if the guy was decent looking or has a great personality or whatever, I wouldn't mind and just let it slide. But man that's not the case: lately I've been seeing Asian girls with the fugliest dudes. It really doesn't make any sense to me. It makes us seethe with anger. Just be glad I'm not Korean: I don't already have fire for blood, alcohol for adrenaline, and knuckles of steel. 

2) Yes, we eat rice every day.

It's not really a misconception. Just as bread or pasta or noodles are the primary source of American carbohydrates, rice just happens to be ours. Over here in the States, we actually don't eat rice EVERY day, but over in places like Japan, they even have rice for breakfast!

3) Not all of us are bad drivers. I promise.

The bad drivers are usually the ones not born in the states, are over 30, and are women. There are definitely MANY exceptions to this rule, but from what I've seen, the younger generation of drivers are actually quite good. Whenever I go to Rowland Heights, however, I'm met by all sorts of blind Asians. I wonder if having smaller eyes actually inhibits wider peripheral vision.

4) We respect our elders.

If someone is older than we are or senior to our positions in any scenario, we often treat them with the utmost respect. I've seen white kids yell at their parents and talk back. Talking back in an Asian family is asking for a swift death.

5) We have a built-in sense of duty.

From what I've seen, Asians are generally more prone to follow the atomic family. Divorce is highly frowned upon in the culture, and courtesy is a trait that is placed high above many others. 

6) We are amphibious.

It is impossible for me grow a beard. The same applies to many, many friends of mine. I mean, I could grow a beard, but it'd be something more akin to a lifetime achievement award. 

7) There is a difference between Vietnamese, Chinese, Korean, and Japanese.

Just like how Irish people get offended when you can't tell them apart from another white mutt, if you call a Korean guy Japanese, make sure you have life insurance. Here's a super quick rundown. Vietnamese: sound like they're chewing gum all the time, girls have big lips, the smell like Pho. Chinese: sound like they're chopping vegetables, are always too damn proud, say "AYA!" too fucking much. Korean: sound like they're yelling all the time, love to get drunk, have the hottest girls. Japanese: sound super serious, are secretly a super-horny race, have crooked teeth.

8) Asian people are afraid of black people.

It's the truth. I think I read some children's fable one time about dark-skinned demons or something. Pretty sure the story was referring to something else.

Tired. Denjin sucked yesterday. I've been training mode so hard with Venom that I'm actually starting to miss all of my FRC's. I think I need to take a break. WTB Noel combo skills. FMA and Eden were fucking awesome, the other anime this week were whatever.